The Tyranny of the "Should"
A psychologist named it in 1950. And it's still running your Tuesday.
I started a newsletter on Substack…and it almost didn’t get a name.
Not because I couldn’t think of one.
Because I thought of plenty, and then I “should-ed” them out of existence.
Every. Single. One.
→ It should be more professional.
→ It should signal the credentials.
→ It should be searchable, strategic, polished, defensible to a committee that exists only inside my own head and meets, apparently, around the clock…. (argh!)
(I do this for a living, by the way.)
I’m a behavioral scientist. I’ve spent (ahem) 20+ years explaining to very smart people why they keep doing the exact thing they swore they’d stop. (Sidebar: Did you know the internet says you “shouldn’t” lead with how many years of expertise you have if it’s over 15 because... ageism? Cool. So we’re breaking that one right out of the gate, too.)
But back to the story about should…
…There I was, narrating the play-by-play of my own stuck-ness in real time, completely unable to move.
(Cool. Great. Very on brand!)
So let me introduce the thing that almost ate me alive, because there’s a decent chance it’s been snacking on you too.
Here’s the thing about a “should.”
It doesn’t feel like an opinion. It feels like a fact.
I should answer that email tonight. (why?)
I should host Thanksgiving. (because of what?)
I should be further along by now. (according to who?)
I should want this promotion. (but do you?)
The word shows up wearing the costume of obvious, neutral truth, and we obey it before we’ve had a chance to ask a single question. Like do “we” want it.
A psychologist named Karen Horney clocked this back in 1950. She called it “the tyranny of the should”... the way a life quietly fills up with internal commands about who you’re supposed to be, none of which you remember agreeing to (Horney, 1950).
Decades later, cognitive therapists put “should statements” on the official list of distorted thinking, right next to “catastrophizing” and “all-or-nothing” thinking (Burns, 1980)…(for the record, I’ve been known to do all three, sometimes in rapid-fire succession).
You can want things. That isn’t bad. But the “should” is actually a standard you didn’t set. This standard was imposed on you, and then punishes you when you don’t meet the expectation.
And that’s the part nobody mentions. The “should” comes with a tax.
Two of them, actually: guilt and permission.
There’s the guilt trip, on the inside.
The low hum or whisper that says you’re behind, you’re selfish, you’re not doing enough, you dropped a ball you never agreed to carry.
And then there’s the permission slip, on the outside.
The sense that before you get to choose the thing you actually want, somebody has to sign off. A boss. A mother. Your neighbor’s best-friend’s Aunt Frida -
A culture, that decided a long time ago what
a competent woman’s day is supposed to look like
a masculine man’s day is supposed to consist of
Whether non-binary or transgender are even allowed to have a ‘day’
So, a “should” is really two things at once. Something installed in you, and something still being broadcast at you, meeting in the exact second you decide what to do next.
That’s why willpower doesn’t touch it. You can’t out-discipline an instruction you didn’t know you were following.
To be fair, you can’t delete the reflex either. I’m not going to try to sell you that. The should is going to keep showing up, fast (so fast – like 200 miliseconds fast!) before you can think... that’s just our brain and how our brain works.
But here’s where it gets interesting.
You can’t stop the “should” from firing. But you can absolutely catch it after.
That tiny gap, between the should landing and you obeying it, is the whole game. And the move in that gap is one question:
Whose “should” is this? Is it mine or someone else’s?
That’s it.
That’s the verb.
You look at the should sitting there, dressed up as obvious truth, and you ask whose is this? Sometimes it’s yours, and you keep it, eyes open, on purpose. Often it belongs to a room you walked out of years ago, and you get to hand it back.
(No thank you sir, I respectfully reject this and hand this toxic nonsense back to you)
That’s what I mean by “UNshould.”
Not “stop having standards.”
Not “quit caring.”
Just... take the thing apart, find out whose it is, and choose from there. One should at a time. The first few are clumsy. Eventually, they get faster.
So that’s what this is.
UNshould is where I’ll bring you the science behind the default. It’s about getting yourself back onto your own priority list - you know, like that swanky nightclub in LA where you say, “I’m on the list,” and they usher you inside in front of everyone else. That kind of priority!
We’re doing it without the guilt trip, and without waiting for anyone to sign a permission slip.
Some weeks it’ll be burnout and boundaries. Some weeks I’ll wax poetic about neurodiversity. Some weeks it’ll be the strange thing your brain does in the meeting that matters. But it will always be the research, translated into something you can actually use by Tuesday.
I’m going to sit next to you and whisper, “This is what’s happening,” with enough of the absurdity named out loud that we can both barely keep a straight face.
The committee in my head still meets. I just stopped letting them run the place.
Glad you’re here. Let’s go take some “shoulds” apart.
P.S. A few ways in, whenever you’re ready
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References
Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. William Morrow.
Horney, K. (1950). Neurosis and human growth: The struggle toward self-realization. W. W. Norton.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is "the tyranny of the should" in psychology?
Coined by psychoanalyst Karen Horney in 1950, "the tyranny of the should" describes the rigid, unwritten rules and expectations people impose on themselves. These internalized commands create an impossible standard of perfection, driving chronic guilt, anxiety, and self-criticism whenever you fail to live up to values you never consciously chose.
How do you stop "shoulding" yourself?
You can't eliminate automatic "should" thoughts because the brain fires them in milliseconds, but you can change how you respond to them. The moment you catch yourself saying you "should" do something, ask one core question: "Whose 'should' is this—mine or someone else's?" Pausing to trace the origin of the expectation gives you the choice to keep it or hand it back without the guilt tax.
Why does willpower fail when trying to break unhelpful habits?
Willpower fails because "should statements" act as automatic cognitive distortions rather than conscious decisions. Because your brain processes external expectations as objective facts rather than optional opinions, you cannot out-discipline an internal instruction you don't realize you're following. Sustainable behavioral change requires questioning the default reflex rather than forcing compliance.